on seeing your ex (part 2)
i saw my ex again today. i knew i would, and i had prepared something to say. i'm not going to go into detail, but basically... here are some things they said to me:
"i don't like you" "i don't want to talk to you" "i don't care" "i'm not going to apologize" "i'm not having a conversation with you" etc etc
was this unexpected? no. am i disappointed nonetheless? yes.
not that i didn't have enough evidence before, but now it's 100% undeniable that they are just a mean, shitty person. that helps a bit. but not a lot.
mostly, i just want to forget it all happened. i want amnesia. i'd be so much happier if i had never met this person - or at least if i didn't remember ever meeting this person.
i don't think my life would be great even then - there's quite a lot of stuff i struggle with - but it's my biggest struggle and i really wanna get rid of this so i have a chance to get over my depression.
i know it gets easier every day. but it's been 1.5 years and it still hurts so much. if i could skip a year or two into the future, i would. i don't need the time, i'd rather be okay again. though i have a feeling this is going to haunt me long into the future.
meanwhile, they said they're already over it. they don't care anymore. in their words, they have "other shit going on". as if i don't.
you know those moments that are like "i can't believe this is happening for real!"? how those moments are either the best or the worst in your life? the last time i had a positive one was when i got together with that person. the rest of it was negative "i can't believe this is happening". and i'm so sick of it.
karma doesn't seem to be real; life isn't fair. if it was, i'd get something good for all of this struggle and pain. and they would get something bad for treating me like shit and hurting me so much and not caring. i want them to pay for what they did. but it seems like they're doing fine, and i'm not. where is the justice? because i don't see it.
so, as always, i have to find a way to move on. and since that seems impossible, i need to survive not being able to move on. i have to keep going and live my life with the knowledge that this person who used to care about me now doesn't, at all. i have to keep on living while this person who hurt me so much and basically ruined my life gets to keep going without any guilt or retribution. it makes me furious.
i have so many thoughts and feelings about this that i could never shut up. i'm devastated and exhausted and angry and miserable and anxious and-- and they're just okay. and there's nothing i can do.
they should feel all the pain they caused me and more.
they should feel all the pain they caused me and more.
they should feel all the pain they caused me and more.
they should feel all the pain they caused me and more.
જ⁀✉ ᯓ➤ leave a nice comment (i'd really appreciate it!)