on seeing your ex
tw for mentions of suicidal ideation
i saw them today. the person who broke my heart last year, who treated me like shit, who is the reason i have depression. i haven't seen them in almost a year and today i ran into them at university.
i tapped on their arm to get their attention. they waved unenthusiastically (perhaps even sarcastically) and kept walking without taking off their headphones. their facial expression was perfectly dismissive. and so i stood there, ignored, brushed off like dirt on a shoe, in the middle of university, wanting to cry.
i quickly went to the toilets and managed to stop myself from crying, which was important because i had a class to get to. after the class i wanted to see if i could catch them again, but i didn't see them again.
now, on my way home, crying, i thought to myself: all this pain - what is it for? why do i still put up with it? why am i still alive?
i'm not religious. but every now and again, when it's something really important to me, i'll pray. today i prayed that i will see them after class and they'll talk to me. as always, i did not get what i prayed for. i haven't gotten what i prayed for since i got together with them. that was what i wanted, what i dreamed of - to be with them. and then that was over and my life felt like it was over too. and now, over a year later, my life still feels like it's over - or like it should have ended then.
i am just so sick of karma not being real. if i got what i deserved, i wouldn't hurt this much. i wouldn't be this sad. and i would get what i want most in the world: a simple apology for how they treated me. but that's apparently too much, a dream too big and unrealistic.
in therapy all we talk about is acceptance. accepting that the apology isn't going to come. accepting that they don't want to be my friend anymore. but i just can't accept it because once all my hope is gone, my life will feel even more over. and that's it really: my only way out is losing all hope. in other words, i'm fucked either way.
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