on wanting to forget
i realised lately that if i was able to erase my memory of last year (specifically january-august) i would be happy now. because i don't have anything in my life right now that is bad. the problem is that i'm missing the good i had. i miss being happy like that. not just content, or okay, or going through the motions, but ecstatic, thinking "how is this my life, i'm so lucky" every single day. it hurts to go from the top of the world to where i am now.
i try hard not to compare, but: last year around this time i was the happiest i ever was. now i'm struggling, and have been for over 10 months. i take 5 pills, 3 different anti-depressants a day, and it doesn't help. people keep telling me: it gets easier with time. heartbreak is a kind of grief in that way. and it has gotten easier, but it still hurts so bad. i still think about it every day. i still dream about it. i still cry about it. i still compare. i still remember. i still daydream. i still rage. i still hope. i still miss them.
if i was offered an amnesia pill, i'd take it. but there is no such thing. what, i wonder, is the closest to it i can find in real life? sometimes i want to just bang my head against the wall until i forget it all.
the worst of it is; i bet they never think about me at all.
advice on forgetting is appreciated.
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