on rage and being built close to water
so i just came home from university, crying all the way home, and still crying now. a professor made me cry. he was so rude, saying i shouldn't be in the Master's program if this is what my work looks like (note: i've never had anything worse than a B on all my papers, so clearly i can't be as stupid as he thinks i am), that my paper will be all over the place, and then he refused to answer a simple question i had. he totally saw me crying too and didn't even react to it, didn't even feel bad. i know i'm built close to water, and i've always hated this about me, but sometimes at least it makes others feel guilty for what they should feel guilty for. but if not, well, you just know the other person is terrible.
i don't just cry from sadness, but also from anger. i hate crying from anger more than sadness, i think. sadness, at its best (or worst?), can feel familiar, maybe even good in a way. but anger never does. i begin to shake, my voice wavers, and it makes it impossible to get others to treat my anger seriously. and angry people don't get the same sympathy as sad ones. yet when someone is mean to me i always get angry, not sad.
i am extremely impatient when it comes to rudeness. if you're rude to me, i'll be rude back. no taking the high road; straight-up eye for an eye. i wish i would have been rude to the professor today, but it wouldn't be worth a failing grade. so now, in my daydreams, i punch him or he gets hit by a car or something.
i learned recently in therapy that "letting the anger out" actually just makes it worse. i seriously did not know that before. so i won't punch my pillow. but i also don't know how else to get rid of the anger. the best i can do is distract myself with comfort youtube videos such as this one. i guess this is something i will bring up in therapy this week.
perhaps all of this is also made worse by the fact that i got my period today. perhaps i should just relax the rest of the day and stuff myself with comfort food. except for that i would have to go grocery shopping and therefor be seen by the general public. no thanks. so i'll scrape together what i can from my almost-empty fridge and start a new season of the white lotus.
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