on getting out of bed and grocery shopping
i don't technically know whether i actually have depression (i haven't asked my therapist exactly), but many days it sure feels like it. most things seems absolutely impossible then. i am lucky enough to not have a job, and currently i am enjoying a semester break, so really most days i don't have much to do at all. and yet, for some reason, i am overwhelmed and stressed and just thinking about the easiest things make me want to cry.
the first thing is getting out of bed. i am a morning person - usually. i don't use alarms on free days because my body loves to wake up sometime between 7 and 8 am. but lately i have been sleeping until 9 or longer, even though i go to sleep early. i get over 10 hours of sleep per night. and yet, i wake up incredibly tired and stay tired the whole day. some days i already want to go to sleep at 8 pm. i don't, of course. but sleeping from 10 pm to 9 am is not unheard of for me. i do like sleep. sleep is like being dead, in a way. but not entirely, because of dreams. i've always liked dreams. i have some recurring nightmares, but they're usually not all too bad. and since i've been a kid i sometimes had lucid dreams - some more lucid than others. i like how dreams feel. even ordinary things feel extraordinary in them. plus, i am usually free of my social anxiety in dreams. i move around in the world like a normal person - i talk to people i know without a second thought. i exist without constant fear. it feels good, it feels easy. then i wake up and remember that i have had anxiety for so long that i don't even remember how it felt like to not have it, back when i was a young child. i remember talking to people without fear. but nowadays i only experience in dreams. and that's one of the reasons i like dreams, and sleeping. and why waking up and getting out of bed is hard. but it's not just that.
everything is hard. brushing my teeth is an accomplishment twice a day. so is washing my face. don't even get me started on showering - i skip this one completely on days i don't leave the house (which is most days). other things are even harder: feeding myself is a big one. i've always been a picky eater, and extremely so. unfortunately i didn't grow out of it. perhaps it's autism. perhaps it's something else. either way, i don't like most foods. that makes feeding myself difficult at the best of times. but it's not the best of times, hasn't been for a year. i really try to eat healthy, to eat more vegan, to be vegetarian, but it's all just more restrictions that make it harder and harder. i hate cooking, because even if i do it right i don't like the taste of it. so i'm not good at it. but most of all i hate getting groceries. i hate grocery shopping so much, in fact, that it inspired this blog entry.
i should go grocery shopping today. i already should have yesterday, but i already left my apartment yesterday and these days one thing is all i can handle in a day, so i thought: perfect, i'll do it tomorrow, on a day i have no other plans. now it's noon and i'm considering not going. i won't have much to eat besides bread, but that's worth delaying it one more day. why? why do i hate it so much? well, there are many reasons. it's the worst chore for sure, because you have to leave the house (more so than when taking out the trash), you are seen by other people and have to interact with them (which triggers my anxiety). besides, the temperature in the shops is never right, and i hate carrying the heavy weight back to my apartment. and because i'm a picky eater i dislike 90% of the products offered anyway, and i'm reminded of that every time i go. worst of all, though, probably, is the sensory overload. i used to listen to music while getting groceries in an attempt to drown it out, but that didn't work, it just added to my sensory overload. so nowadays i go without music, and that's better, but depending on the people that are in the supermarket that day i still get sensory overload. the temperature, the constant music or ads, the people without spacial awareness blocking whole aisles and not hearing my "excuse me", the screaming children running around, having to read my shopping list and pick out stuff... it's just a lot. a lot on a good day, and too much on a bad one. i used to get groceries once a week - i don't know how i did that. i have to go twice a week now. it's hell.
and yes of course i sound like a whiny child. but i can't help it. something about these tasks - getting groceries, brushing my teeth - activates some kind of raging response inside of me. it feels like it gets my hackles up. like somebody is pulling me towards it and i'm trying with all my might to get away from it.
so is that depression? who knows. but it's definitely my life and has been for a while. worst of all, it's nothing compared to other things that upset me.
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