on many things
tw for mentions of suicidal ideation
i have been feeling really shitty lately, and for so many different reasons that this entry is probably going to be very long. i'll try to keep it somewhat organized.
btw, why do i write these entries? why do i vent so publicly? well, honestly, i want people to know i feel bad. i don't have a huge support system (i have an amazing partner and a therapist, but no friends i can talk to about any of this) so this helps. getting nice comments helps. (getting mean comments or unsolicited advice makes everything worse, but there's nothing i can do about that.) but also, this blog is like a diary to me. i used to write a lot of diary entries, and long ones too. (my diary -- which is a word document -- has almost 200,000 words!!) but since this whole thing last year happened, opening my diary is kind of triggering, so i ignored it for a few months. and now i have this blog, which is essentially a diary, but i don't feel like throwing up when i open it. not yet, anyway.
so let's start.
#1: pride is over.
i actually started writing this entry right after my city's pride parade, but felt too bad to finish it. i was crying for hours. why? well. pride remains me of them - you know, the person who broke my heart last year. pride last year was the last thing we really did together before everything went to shit. thankfully i wasn't alone at pride - i had my sister and friends and my wonderful partner with me. but afterwards i was alone at home, on a 36°C day with a headache, and feeling lonelier than in a long time.
but mostly, it was because of this: i expected to see them at pride. i don't know if they were there. maybe they don't even live in this city anymore. maybe they didn't want to go. maybe they did want to go, but didn't have anybody to go with. or maybe they were there and i just didn't see them (very likely - tons of people). i wanted to see them at pride. i don't know what i expected - but i thought, if i see them, maybe i can talk to them. even if it ends in an argument, at least i talked to them. i miss them so much, i'd rather argue with them than not talk to them at all. but i didn't even see them. seeing them was my one big hope for pride, and something i had been waiting for since december (the last time i saw them). now, suddenly, this little sliver of hope is - poof - also gone.
there's always next year, right?
also, i didn't feel as good in my pride outfit as i wanted to. but i already ranted about that in my last entry.
#2: summer has started.
pride was incidentally also the first day of my 3-month-long summer break from uni. so once pride was over, my summer had officially begun. and i felt like shit. i felt so shit, it was almost as bad as last summer.
last summer was one of the - if not the - worst time in my life. my heart was freshly broken (multiple times) and i was deeply suicidal. and that was before i met my now-partner too, and before i was in therapy, and before i took antidepressants. it was rough. i was terrified of having another summer like that. it's especially bad because summer (despite the fucking heat) is my favorite season because of summer break and my birthday. well, that first day of this summer it felt like this summer is going to be last summer all over again. i was out of hope, there's nothing i wanted to do, the heatwave was going strong and i was weak from that, and everything just seemed really black.
now, a week later, i feel better. still not very happy about summer. still not very hopeful about the future. other things happened that upset me (more to that in a second). but at least i feel a bit better. also, my birthday is coming up, and that's something i look forward to.
#3: i feel lonely.
last summer i felt extremely lonely. i had just moved into my new (tiny) apartment at the opposite side of town from my friends who used to live right next to me. i didn't have my cat yet. i hadn't met my partner yet, and i was fresh out of a "breakup" (not really, it was a situationship, but for all intents and purposes it was a breakup). thankfully it got a bit better once my apartment felt like home, and once i met a cute neighborhood cat who is now my cat (thank you, cat distribution system!).
but now i feel lonely again. i really shouldn't. i have my cat, and an amazing partner who wants to see me as often as i want to see them, even though they are extremely busy this summer (full-time job and many hours of studying). but none of that changes that most days i stay inside my apartment and don't have another person to talk to.
at least i have weekly therapy sessions again.
#4: the apartment thing.
my partner is looking for an apartment right now because they're moving out of their flat share in a few months. my coincidence, the apartment right next to mine is free. they looked at it, and we talked about how awesome it would be if they moved in there because it would be a perfect medium between living together and not living together. the chance they got the apartment was slim, and at first we got the news that somebody else already took it. my partner then got news from a friend who is moving out of their own apartment soon, and accepted that one to move into. it's not any closer to my apartment than their current one is. i was already very disappointed, but it was nobody's fault.
then we got the news: oh, actually, the apartment is not taken yet and my partner could have it! but they declined, because now they want the other apartment from their friend, because it's prettier and bigger and cheaper. that all makes sense. i don't blame them. but god, i'm so sad. because if it was my decision i would choose an apartment next to them over a prettier, bigger, cheaper one, because it would be so cool to live next to each other. clearly my partner doesn't feel this way.
i'm sad. there's nothing i can do about it and i'm sad. i thought this would be a chance for me to be happy this summer, something to look forward to. yet again, i was disappointed. nothing ever goes my way. no good thing happens to me. i'm sick of it. i'm so fucking sick of it.
#5: i'm bored (or depressed).
i have soo much free time now in my summer break! awesome, right? no. i have some plans, yeah, but most of it isn't fun stuff. (yay, i get to go to the doctor for iron deficiency. yay i get to get a tooth pulled. yay i have to pick up jogging again even though i hate it and it sucks and i lost all my progress.) and even the fun stuff i have to force myself to do. thank god i have coding as a hobby, it's the only thing (besides binging tv shows) that i do more or less. all my other hobbies that i used to spend so much time on (drawing, writing, reading, ....) are long gone by now. i haven't touched my creative hobbies in years. i don't know why.
i'm bored all the time. sometimes it's normal "idk what to do" boredom. sometimes it's mind-numbingly, infuriating boredom that makes me cry because everything that should bring me joy doesn't. and maybe that's depression. but i'm on three different anti-depressants so idk. maybe i do just have too much free time.
i wish i had some hobby that brought me joy.
#6: i got fat.
i already talked about this in my last entry, but yeah... in the last year i gained a ton of weight. i didn't really notice that much before summer because my body was mostly covered, but now in the time of crop-tops i definitely notice how i'm much bigger than i used to be. also i don't fit into any of my pants anymore. even worse, i don't fit in my swimsuits anymore, and i bought two new ones but neither of them fit me either. they're size medium; i can't buy a large though because then the top won't fit be because my chest is basically flat. in fact, my belly is bigger than my chest right now. i feel incredibly fat and unshapely (if only i at least had a good body shape where the fat gives me an hourglass shape, but no!) and disgusting and i know it's all my fault because when i feel bad (which is like all the time since last summer) i enjoy myself some comfort food. i've always eaten like shit but now i also eat a lot so it's all my fault and now it's too late to fix it for this summer. i can just hope i'll lose it again till next summer.
if i had cute clothes i could fit into i wouldn't even mind that much, but it really sucks when all your new stuff that you haven't even had for a year doesn't fit you anymore. why why why why.
it makes me miss the way they saw my body. to them, i was perfect.
my current partner is of course very sweet about it. but i can tell they aren't head over heels for my body.
alright, i think that's enough venting and oversharing for now. in case it isn't obvious: i'm not in a great place right now. i'm hoping for something big happening to change all this. but i don't know what that would be.
જ⁀✉ ᯓ➤ leave a nice comment (do not give me unsolicited advice!)