on being ugly
i just went through my lingerie because i'm planning my outfit for this year's pride parade, and unfortunately half an hour later i am now crying. for two reasons.
reason number one: my lingerie reminds me of the person who broke my heart, because i bought it for them, wore it for them, got compliments for it from them, etc. since then it has been in the back of my closet without use. what for? it's not like anyone is attracted to me like that anymore. not even my partner. so the sight of it, and wearing it, triggered my grief about that whole relationship again. i was doing slightly better, but now... floodgates are open. also, i might see them at pride. i really hope i see them and they want to talk to me and then the whole world would be good again. but that won't happen. if i do see them, they won't want to talk to me. (the best i can do is look so hot that they regret ending things with me - more to as to why this is a problem later). probably, however, i won't see them at all, because i rarely see people i know at pride, even though i know quite a few queer people in my city. and that - not seeing them at all - is the most likely, but also my worst-case scenario. it's been over six months since i've last seen them, and almost a year since we were friends (and they broke my heart).
reason number two: i look like absolute shit in my outfit. i've gained a bunch of weight, which is already annoying because none of my pants or skirts fit me anymore - i can't get the zipper up all the way. that's already annoying enough, but also you can really tell. i thought i would look at least somewhat like the model in the bodysuit i bought specifically to wear at pride - but i don't. not even close. i have a flat chest and no curves and not a flat stomach and my ass is huge but in a bad way and not sexy at all. and i feel disgusting. not to mention my face - i'm not even gonna get into that right now.
even as a kid i was the 'unfortunate' looking girl. the least pretty out of all of them. i remember knowing this but not caring thaaat much. i mean, i knew i was bullied partially because of my looks, and obviously i wanted to be pretty, but i wasn't into fashion or beauty or makeup or anything "girly" like that. now i am. i love fashion, i love doing makeup, i love expressing myself through the way i look. but i'm still that girl inside. sure, i've had my "glow up" (or more accurately, "grow up") in my early 20s when i finally learned how to do eyeliner and started thinking about how i dress a bit more and finally got treated for acne. no doubt i look much better now than when i was a teen and young adult. but i only feel pretty on good days, and today's not a good day.
i have diary entries from when i was 12 years old in which i describe wishing i would finally grow boobs because everyone - including my friends - made fun of me for not having any. well, i'm almost 27 and guess what. they're still the same. when i wear a t-shirt, i look flat. according to most bra size calculators online, i don't exist. (literally, it won't let me input my measurements because it's like "huh??? you have no boobs?? so you have no bra size"). and that's not the only issue. i never got any curves either. my body shape is pretty much completely straight. my hips aren't wide, my waist isn't thin, and btw, i'm not tall either - i'm the only short one in my family. because of course i am, because i've always been the unlucky one when it comes to looks. my sister's body hair is light and barely visible. mine? almost black, very visible. my sister is also blonde. me? dark brunette, impossible to bleach nicely. i have nothing that these days is considered beautiful. not the big lips or upturned nose or the voluminous, shiny hair or the fox eyes or the defined, shapely brows.
i've summed up these woes in a short "i feel fat and ugly" to my partner and of course they were quick to tell me that i look beautiful and "relatively skinny". then they sent me two instagram posts which angered me.
post 1 was one of those "why the patriarchy wants you to be skinny" posts. i do generally agree with these posts but they don't help me feel any less ugly. in fact, it's just further proof that being skinny IS the ideal, and a big portion of the population will judge my worth as a woman based on how i look. it did nothing to make me feel better, it just made me feel worse.
post 2 was one of those "these bodies you see on social media are fake" 'body positivity' posts. again, i don't disagree completely. however, i see "these bodies" irl all the fucking time. i see them in sports courses and at university and on my friends. beautiful, skinny people aren't an invention of social media, and naturally beautiful and skinny people exist. many of them, in fact. i absolutely hate it when 'body positivity' people try to pretend like this isn't true. and it's even worse when the person saying stuff like that is an objectively beautiful woman; it's like: what the hell do you know of anything?
my partner also told me "having a body is not a contest." well, i agree that it shouldn't be one, but it is. my partner is not a woman and was not socialized as one either, so they wouldn't understand, but i think every woman can agree that it IS a contest. if your worth is judged based on your looks, of course it is a contest.
so what's the point of this whole entry? i don't know. venting, i guess. i feel ugly and fat and nothing you could tell me would make me feel better about it.
there's also this whole other fucked-up aspect of being a woman with below-average looks where you get jealous of the (sometimes unwanted) attention other women get from men. for example, another girl once complained to me "ugh all my male friends tell me they fell in love with me! it's so annoying!". this is so much a different world that mine that i can't even comprehend it. i wish i had problems like that. someone who isn't ugly simply could not understand what it's like. hearing other women say "ugh getting catcalled is so gross", and like yes of course, but also a little voice inside of me says: "you've never been catcalled. just more proof that you're not a beautiful woman." and that's a whole can of worms i don't want to open up here because this post is already way too long.
i don't know. i could talk about all this for hours.
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