on the power of beauty
i'm still trying to get over a person i was with over a year ago. (it's ridiculous that it is taking me so long to get over something that was only about 3 months of my life.)
that person is - unfortunately - very beautiful. a 10/10. in my eyes, could be a model. absolute asshole of a person though. did really mean things to me that i'm probably never going to be truly over.
i think, honestly, if that person wasn't beautiful, i would just hate them now. and i do hate them - but i also miss them and love them. and when i think about them, i see them in my inner eye. because, well, that's how thoughts work. and seeing them isn't good, because i see beauty.
unfortunately it's hardwired into our brains to think that beauty equates to other positive values. i wish i knew a way around that, because it's causing me a lot of pain.
it's also true that people we like seem beautiful to us. honestly, i had a class with this person for a whole semester before ever speaking with them, and i never thought something like "they are beautiful". so i know i only started thinking that later, when we got to know each other, which means their kindness was the reason i think they're so beautiful.
but then, why, when i now know that they are the exact opposite of kind, are they still so beautiful to me? why do i immediately automatically try to censor all the bad stuff they did just because my memory of their face is beautiful?
i wish they were ugly. i truly think i would be over them by now. and yes of course all of this sounds shallow as hell. but it's the reality.
all my other exes were afterwards unattractive to me. so why not this person, who hurt me more than any of the others?
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