on heartbreak relapse
tw: mentions of suicidal thoughts
in two days i will see my favorite band live. this is something i had planned to do with a certain someone.
in july last year that someone broke my heart. it almost completely destroyed me. it took me months to stop wanting to kill myself. i could write about everything that happened for hours, it could be a whole book.
well, anyways. long story short, i'm maybe never seeing them again. it's been months since i've seen them, and they were incredibly rude to me. i got better slowly, mostly thanks to my amazing new partner, as well as depression meds and therapy. on new year's eve i cried because i knew a new year was starting but i was still not over it.
it's now been 4 times as many months as the 'relationship' (situationship) lasted. that doesn't feel fair. and i am better. getting better every month. but thinking about them still hurts, and i think about them every day and miss them.
and yesterday i cried about them again. i wonder: do they think about me? do they regret anything? do they miss me? do they want to apologize?
i still hope the universe surprises me with a happy end to all this. after all, the universe was surprising me with that whole situationship/friendship.
god, even just typing "friendship" wrecks me. i miss being their friend.
why does it still hurt? why am i so god damn in love with someone who treats me like dirt under their shoe? why doesn't it stop? why can't i get closure?
the concert coming up is making the feelings come up. It's nauseating.
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