on depression
so, i was officially diagnosed with moderate depression. ✨
i like my therapist. my main goal in therapy was dealing with my social anxiety, but i was honest with him and told him that i can't work on something so difficult right now while feeling so terrible all the time. so we talked about it, and long story short, he diagnosed me with depression. when i texted this to my wonderful partner i got a ":(" response. but honestly - it was a relief. because if how i'm feeling wasn't depression then i wouldn't have any idea what is wrong with me, and would think it could get worse. now i know: this isn't normal. i'm allowed to feel this defeated, this tired, this sad.
i'm not open about my mental health with most people in my life. my family never talked about mental health, and i'd like to keep it that way. i also don't have many friends though, which means that exactly 2 irl people know about my depression (besides my therapist). it's hard on my partner, who is my main support, and i'm trying hard to find friends, but it's hard with social anxiety AND depression AND not reason to leave the house. plus, even if i found a friend, how long does it take to be such good friends that i can talk about this stuff without crossing boundaries?
i am taking 3 different anti-depressants right now, btw. five pills daily. it's hell. and it doesn't seem to be doing much. i honestly wish i wouldn't take any, but now it's too dangerous to just stop taking them. my psychiatrist is useless as hell; she says i'm already on the good stuff (3 of the good stuff) and won't give me anything else, even though i've told her it's not working.
sometimes i feel like i'm better. like yesterday. yesterday was good because it was the last day of july, and new months means new beginnings; a second chance to make this summer worth living, instead of rotting away in my bed every day bored out of my mind. but today is the 1st, and of course i am rotting away in my bed bored out of my mind, so today is not a good day. i look at my list of things i wanted to do in summer, and i haven't done much. the list overwhelms me. did i really think i could do all this? it's not like the depression is new. i've been depressed for over a year now, maybe longer. (last august was the hardest month of my life. this august is... nothing.)
if you've read/seen twilight you know how time passed when bella was depressed: months passed, nothing happened. october. november. december. nothing happens. nothing changes. just emptiness, sadness, no hope for the future. just waiting. waiting waiting waiting. for that moment where everything becomes okay again. i wish it wasn't so relatable. but i'm not in a book or a movie. the moment i'm waiting for won't come. all i can do is hope that the pain lessens with time.
i feel stupid sometimes, because i am not grieving someone, and yet somehow i am. last summer i went from the best time of my life to the worst time of my life in just a few weeks. i'm still reeling from it. i'm still not back to average. and even if i do, success is not as good as it used to be. this summer is still just surviving, like last summer, not living.
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