on another failed friendship
tw for mentions of self harm and suicidal ideation
i haven't really had friends of my own since middle school. in the past two years, i've tried to befriend people, which is really hard for me because of my social anxiety. i've tried 5 times. one of those ended in pretty much the worst thing that has ever happened to me. all other times failed too. the most recent one was yesterday.
basically, i befriended someone, and i was really happy because we have shared interests and they seemed really nice, and we flirted too (we met on a dating app), and we only met twice so far but i was looking forward to seeing them again. then, turns out something i said was too much for them, and now they don't want to be my friend anymore. this happened right after i opened up about the worst thing that ever happened to me - which is one of the reasons i wanted to have a friend, so i could talk about it. (to clarify: i asked them first whether i can tell them about it, because they know the person that did it to me.)
there is also a whole other reason i was excited about this friendship but it's complicated to explain. but basically i'm double sad.
i've been crying a lot, and feeling very lonely, and in general my mental health is horrible again (i thought about self-harm, i feel suicidal again). uni is going to start soon, and even though it's my 8th semester i still don't have any friends, and i'll be lonely in every class.
here's what i learned: i'm not good enough to be anybody's friend, i will always say wrong things and make mistakes and no matter how small they are, the other person will use it as a reason not to be my friend anymore. no matter how hard or how often i try, i'm never going to make a friend.
i haven't been to therapy in 3 weeks because my therapist was on vacation, but finally tomorrow i have a session again. i will talk about all this and probably cry a lot.
every happiness the universe dangles in front of me is taken away from me again. i'm back to having no friends, being lonely and bored. i just don't have the energy to live anymore. every day is just surviving. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of feeling like this my whole life.
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